It will soon be an offence to possess a sense of humour

I’M not sure when it’s going to happen. But the way things are going, it could be soon.

Jokes will be banned.

Jokes will be banned because every joke offends someone.

Did the way Charlie Chaplin walked offend some? I’ll be it did.

Was throwing custard pies an obscene waste of food in a hungry world? Of course it was.

Did Fawlty Towers mock the old/doctors/Germans and many more? It certainly did.

Spike Milligan offended many with his take offs of non Europeans (see how careful I’m being?)

In fact, it’s hard to find comedy that didn’t offend someone.

Fair enough, there are people who wake up in the morning and spend their days searching for something which they can then say offended them.

But I’m sad to say that I can visualise a story in a few years time where someone is sent to prison for being caught in possession of a sense of humour.

Let’s see if it’s going to be you.

Here are some gags that came into my head randomly today.
Are you offended by any of them?

I went to the doctor the other day and told him I thought I might have early onset Alzheimers. He said it wasn’t early.

Two cows in a field. First cow asks the  second cow; Are you worried about Mad Cow disease? The second cow replies: Why would I worry. I’m a helicopter.

Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Englishman and Paddy the Scotsman walked into a bar. And the barman said: Is this some kind of joke?

A priest a vicar and a rabbit walked into a bar. The barman asks the rabbit what they want to drink. “I don’t know,” says the rabbit. “I’m only here because of auto-correct.”

Elderly citizens also staged a protest outside the Dáil and they also chanted: “What do we want?” “We don’t know?” “When do we want it?” “Want what?”

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”

Guy dies and goes to hell. He’s surprised to find that it’s a beautiful place. The sun is shining and people are out walking and picnicking and swimming in a pristine stream. The devil greets him. “I didn’t expect hell to be like this,” he says. The devil smiles. “No we get a bad press up above. But it’s always like this. And what’s more, we’ll answer any question you have. Who shot JFK. Did they really walk on the Moon. Is Trump as stupid as he looks. “One question,” says the new arrival. “It’s all lovely here but is that a volcano I can see with smoke billowing out of it?” “You don’t want to know,” the devil said. “You promised. Any question.” “Oh, all right,” says the devil. And they walk for an hour and climb up the volcano to the crater. They look in. And there are people burning in the lava, their skin hanging off, they’re screaming in agony. “That’s awful,” the new arrival says. “That is barbarous, hideous. It’s just, just dreadful.” “I agree,” says the devil. “I didn’t want it at all. But the Catholics insisted on it.”

A blonde walks into a library. She stands at the counter and says:  “A Big Mac, large fries and a strawberry milk shake please.” The librarian quietly tells her it’s a library. So she leans down and whispers. “Oh sorry. “A Big Mac, large fries and a strawberry milk shake please.”

• 

Garda stops a woman in Dublin’s inner city and questions her. ‘Are you married?” he asks. “No,” she says. “Have you any children?” he asks. “Eight,” she says. “All boys.”
“What are their names?” the garda asks. “Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason and Jason,” says the woman. “Is that not confusing when you call them in for their tea?” asks the garda. “Oh no,” says the woman. “I just use their surnames.”

I don’t like the way my kids are always quick to blame other people ……….they get that from their mum.

My granny was beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”

“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”

A teacher asks his young pupils if any of them can use the word “beautiful” in a sentence. Mary puts her hand up. “Yes Mary?” he says. “The moon is beautiful at night,” says the young girl. “Very good Mary. Now. Can anyone put the world ‘beautiful’ into the same sentence twice.” Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher, reluctantly, says “Yes Johnny.” And Johnny speaks. “My sister is sixteen years old and the other day she came home and said to my daddy “daddy I’m pregnant” and he said “beautiful, feckin’ beautiful.”

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was eighty. Now she’s 97 and we’ve no idea where she is.

Our local ice cream man was found dead in his van the other day. He was covered in raspberry syrup and hundreds and thousands. Gardai think he topped himself.

(If you are offended by any of the above, please seek help.)