Vladimir will be furious. But it’s time for the truth. I AM part of the big conspiracy.

Vladimir and Xi Jinping. Note the secret hand signals telling the aliens what time to land

ALL right. It’s time to come clean.

I AM part of the media conspiracy.

Yes indeed, I – and lots of my colleagues – regularly attend meetings with our leaders where we are briefed as to what we can, and cannot, write.

And when I say “our leaders” I’m not talking about small fry like Micheál Martin and Leo. Oh no. 

I’m talking about the very, very top of the chain. Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping and Bill Gates and, well, the guys from the other planets. The reptilians.

(Who would have thought, all those years ago, that David Icke was spot on?)

Yep. Those people we have tried to dismiss as “conspiracy theorists” have been right all along.

We’re being taken over by aliens.

And they’re using Covid as cover.

Politicians normally like to do things that make them popular – remember Jack Lynch promising to abolish car tax and domestic rates back in 1977? Ok. Well I remember!

I’m actually old. I’m old enough to remember when cars used to stop at red lights, cyclists used to have lights on their bikes at night and we didn’t have television programmes consisting entirely of watching people watching television programmes. 

Anyway, all those stories you laughed at are true.

There is a little tiny microchip in the Covid vaccine and it will not only allow those in control (see above) to know where you are, it will allow them to programme you to do certain things and buy certain products and so on.

Of course, the whole thing has been caused by* 5G.

*(Caused by. Engineered by is more accurate. Sure that’s what 5G is for.)

The best thing you can do now is to wear that tin foil helmet if you want to avoid Covid. Or inject inject yourself with bleach or drink cow’s urine. 

You see, the only reason you were told to wear a mask is because Bill Gates owned a big mask company in China. 

Only now that eight billion masks have been sold have we found out that wearing a mask makes you stupid because there’s no oxygen going to your brain. I mean, it’s obvious. And the only reason we didn’t figure it out by now – yep, you’re right – is because we’re wearing masks.

Anyway, off to find a nice park where I can drink cans of something and throw my rubbish around and cough in people’s faces.

I’d like to hang around but Kim Jong Un is on the other line…

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