I have seen the future. And I don’t like what I’ve seen…

I’ve seen the future.

It’s Ireland, 2043. That’s just 23 years away.

You might not recognise it.

For example, this week in the future, there is a protest outside the Dáil – or Assembly

of Responsible Democratic and Multi-Cultural Citizens as it now known.

Men, God bless them, are protesting at their lack of representation in the Cabinet.

Only four out of fourteen ministers is actually male. The Taoiseach, Patrick – soon to

be Patricia – O’Sullivan said the jobs had been allocated on merit. So, there’s no joy

for the men who trudge away from the protest, pushing their prams.

They walk past Dublin’s streetscape which is now dominated by shuttered shops. The

retail trade went into decline almost immediately after most of the city’s footpaths

were changed to bicycle lanes.

It is now almost impossible for pedestrians to manoeuvre their way down some streets

– and that is once they manage to reach the city centre from the car parks in Bray,

Balbriggan and Maynooth which is the closest to the city private cars are permitted to

come.

RTE is gone. BBC is gone. Even Sky News is gone – and when it went, they repeated

the news five times an hour for 24 hours before pulling the plug. It was kind of

inevitable.

Everyone gets their news from the internet now.

Apparently, 67 per cent of the news on Twitter is true – according to a survey on

Twitter.

It’s more or less the same percentage which, a few years ago now, backed the ban on

Catholic churches ringing the Angelus bell twice a day and before Mass on Sunday.

Well, that we before Mass changed. Each time it is celebrated now, the new laws say,

it has to include readings from the Koran, the Torah, quotations from Buddha, Hindu

sayings and a passage from Richard Dawkins’ God Delusion so that atheists aren’t

excluded.

Do you remember pantomimes ?

Well, they didn’t happen back in 2020 because of Covid-19 – yes, they had it back then and promised that if they locked down then it would go away in six months.

And they’re still making the same promise.

So still no pantomimes.

They’d be gone anyway because of that court case 2034 when legal objections were raised over the planned production of Cinderella online.

A court had been told that the term “Ugly sisters’ was hurtful to many people, that the

idea Cinderella would offer sex to a man – which was the clear implication – because

he simply found her shoe and that the name “Baron Hardup” was a double entendre

which carried obscene sexual innuendo, resulted in a ban.

The judge agreed and suggested the performance be cancelled.

Another theatre company then decided not to even attempt rehearsing their planned panto, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and a third company abandoned plans for Beauty and the Beast after someone pointed out the suggestive nature of the title.

But that was just the start of it.

Tommy Tiernan got out of jail around that time – he been sentenced for cracking jokes

about, well, just for cracking jokes. His arrest came after 75 different protest groups

picketed his show one evening causing traffic chaos. They claimed he was cracking

jokes about them. Well, he was. But most people laughed at least until the baton

charge. It’s against the law to laugh at gags about minorities. Especially the gardai.

So jokes are now banned unless they are approved by various representative bodies

for minorities and majorities who demanded they be represented too because it wasn’t

fair that only minorities had a say. And that meant that people who don’t know if they

are a minority or a majority get to air their opinions too. Not just people, of course,

jokes about animals are banned too in case the poor things are offended.

This was all some years after the first restaurant closures which followed the mass

pickets by vegan extremists.

A few restaurants which clung on by offering limited and/or milk based dishes finally

closed under pressure just before the 15th coffee shop opened on Dame Street. Most

now specialise in one type of coffee or another. There are specialist coffee shops for

Cappucino, Americano, Expresso Mocha, Latte, Machiato, Flat White, Long Black,

Affogato, Piccolo Latte, Ristretto, Turkish, Cuban, Doppio, Guillermo, Café Au Lait,

Ca Phe Sua Da, Cortado, Café Bombón, Caffe Gommosa, Kopi Susu and Nescafé

instant, with Soya milk or almond milk or goat’s milk or cow’s milk or sheep’s milk,

gluten free, sugar free, vegan, environmentally friendly in recyclable cups and they’re

right next door to specialist tea shops.

President Adams finally stepped down after FOUR terms in the Áras – took another

referendum to allow him to stay on as long as he did. He was going to do a fifth but

felt it might be best to get out before he had to give himself a cheque for his 100th

birthday.

So that task will fall now to President McDonald.

Things were actually a little better up North. There, Sinn Féin and the LADs, (That’s

Lucht Aontachasach Daonlathach, formerly the DUP) were getting on like a house on

fire. Or teach ar tine.

After a long all Ireland campaign by groups demanding Truth for Toddlers, nursery

rhymes taught in nursery school will reflect reality. A press conference was given

examples:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings horses

And all the kings men

Laughed.

And

Six a song of sixpence

Pocket full of rye

Four and twenty blackbirds

Baked in a pie

When the pie was opened

All the birds were dead.

A spokesindividual, Cruella Savage, said it was only fair that toddlers did not expect

birds to be alive having been roasted in an oven.

Many old movies have been banned and copies of the originals destroyed. The list

includes ALL the James Bond movies, Tom and Jerry (too violent), Mary Poppins

(demeaning to women), Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (air pollution from the car), the

Godfather (encourages crimes), Lord of the Rings (encourages spiritual beliefs which

have been outlawed) and It’s A Wonderful Life (creates unrealistic expectations.)

Television has been dominated by a new series of Celebrity Heart Surgeons in which

people famous for taking part in Celebrity Reality Shows carry out heart transplants

on patients who, we are told, are volunteers.

Sadly the popular newspaper columnist Amanda Brunker has been forced to change her name to Apersonda Brunker in much the same way that Uma Thurman is now Uma Thurpeson and the Fawlty Towers has now been overdubbed so that the waiter is called

Personuel. The two top football teams in Britain are Personchester City and

Personchester United.

And fewer people from Ireland are holidaying in the Isle of Person since it changed its

name though they still like to shop in Personhattan if travel gets back to normal next Holidaymas which has replaced Christmas.

At least plans to roll out broadband to the whole country are well advanced we’re

told.

And it looks like Dublin’s Metro North is going to go ahead at last.

And Apple says it still want to build something or other in Athenry if the European

Court lets them.

Meanwhile Mr Danny Healy Rae, the Prime Minster of Kerry (it’s a long story) has

urged Cork to leave the Republic of Ireland and join his independent region despite

recent scandal when two driverless cars were done for drunk driving.

As for Brexit… remember all the fuss?

Well, it’s turned out ok for Britain in the end.

Only last week, Prime Minister Theodore Apollo Johnson was accompanied by his

father Boris to Washington where President Barron Trump formally welcomed

Britain…

…as the 51 st state of the Union.