And so BBC has banned the original version of Fairytale of New York.
I can only fear what’s going to happen to Christmas in the coming years. Will they sing Jingle Bells? I don’t think do.
For a start, I don’t think the Health and Safety people, let alone the Road Safety Authority, would permit the use of ‘one horse open sleighs’.
And I am absolutely certain the Irish Farmers’ Association would not permit people to go o’er the fields in them.
And they’d have to take a look at Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Once they started the laughing and calling him names, someone would step in and, hopefully, put an end to it. Bullying can’t be tolerated, we will be told.
You know the chap that Good King Wenceslas saw gathering winter fuel? Well, in the future, he’d report him to the guards and the poor chap would be in custody charged with nicking briquettes.
There might very well be a lot of tra-la-la-la-la-ing as we all went off to Deck the Halls, but I can see someone from the PC brigade rearing up when we get to the second verse.
“Don we now our gay apparel.”
“Excuse me?” they will say. “Should that not be “don we now our gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and straight apparel?”
Partridges in Pear Trees? Someone will call Joe Duffy to inform him that partridges tend to rummage on the ground. They’re not great at getting up trees.
And, anyway, what with the Brown Thomas Christmas Shop opening in mid-August, they would have to change the name to The 130 Days of Christmas.
We Three Kings of Orient are… being held by immigration thanks to Donald Trump.
The Merry Gentlemen would be told to sober up.
The Ding Dong (as in ‘a right old’) would not be Merrily on High, but would be in Temple Bar as the pubs closed and the people would be merry AND high.
And if Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town he will probably be arrested and charged with being a peeping Tom – “he sees you when you’re sleeping” indeed.
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas has generally worn out its welcome by September.
The Health and Safety Authority would advise against chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
And they would urge people to make sure their elderly relatives are safe following the accident involving Grandma and the reindeer.
Chris Rea would only be Driving Home for Christmas if it was from one end of a county to the other.
And we would of course have Daddy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath the Mistletoe.
We Wish You A Merry Christmas could quite easily result in charges of harassment. “Now bring us some figgy pudding” followed by “we won’t go until we get some” can only be described as a shakedown.”
Chrissy Hynde won’t be singing about 2,000 miles – she’s be signing about 3218.688 kilometres which doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?
The Little Drummer Boy might have to have a Plus Size Drummer Girl alongside.
And of course Fairytale of New York is an absolute no-no.
“Cheap Lousy Faggot?” “Old Slut on junk?” Oh no. Not those.
“Got on a lucky one, came in 18/1” is clearly encouraging gambling.
And finally, I’m sorry Bing. White Christmas would have to become Multiracial Christmas of course.
And as for “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”…
…I’m afraid Leo and NPHET would have something to say about that.