I’ve finally figured out the whole Covid thing.
The conspiracy theorists were kind of right.
There IS a conspiracy.
And it’s at the highest level.
And it originates here in Ireland.
You see, the whole point of Covid was to stop The Twelve Pubs of Christmas.
OK. So we’ve had to suffer a few inconveniences like wearing masks and keeping away from people and shops being closed and not being able to drive anywhere.
And it’s been a struggle. It’s been tough. It’s been a nightmare.
But if it stops those eejits going around from pub to pub, wearing stupid costumes, shouting and roaring, drinking more than they’re able (which usually happens in the third or fourth pub) well then it’s all been worth it.
Fair dues to the publicans for pretending they were against all the closures. They were very convincing.
But I know for a fact – because I know a lot of publicans – that most of them would have been happy for wear sackcloth and ashes for six months if it killed off the Twelve Pubs of Christmas.
I mean, have you ever been in a pub when these eejits arrive in?
The arrive roaring. They push up to the bar. They make life hell for regulars.
And after making one poor unfortunate drink a double JD or a Tequilla slammer or a Stinger (that’s Crème de Menthe and brandy!) they shag off again.
They don’t even notice that, while they were there, forty potential GOOD customers looked in the door, shook their heads, and headed somewhere else thereby depriving the publican of a big slice of income.
They’re a nightmare. Or were.
Because once the STTDOCE (Stop The Twelve Days Of Christmas Eejits) task force was established, the Covid plan was put in place. That’s Covid – Christmas Objective – Veto Idiot Drinkers.
And they’re gone. There will be no Twelve Days of Christmas eejits this year.
On that basis alone, if there was an election in the morning I think this government would stroll back to Leinster House as winners.