- Two scientists walk in to a bar. The first one says: “I’ll have H2O.” The second one says: “I’ll have H2O too.” The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function on homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic content.
- A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
- I once met the guy who invented crosswords. Can’t remember his name. It was P something t something something n.
- My granny was beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first
- What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a hyena? I don’t know but I suggest joining in if it laughs.
- Guy from Monaghan brings his new girlfriend home to meet his family. “This is Amanda,” he said. His father looks shocked; “It’s a feckin’ what?:
- A man goes to visit his friend. He knocks on the front door and his friend’s wife answers. “Is Mike around?” She looks at him. “Did you not hear? Mike died last night.” The man looked stunned. He looked at the ground for a minute and then looked back at the woman. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” he said. He paused again. And then he said: “He didn’t say anything about a can of green paint?” (Thanks Tommy Cooper for that one.)
- Amateur pilots staged a protest over the lack of planes available to them for their hobby. They rallied outside the Dáil and chanted. “What do we want?” “Low flying aircraft.” “When do we want them?” “Neeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwww!”
- Elderly citizens (like me) also staged a protest outside the Dáil and they also chanted: “What do we want?” “We don’t know?” “When do we want it?” “Want what?”
- Two guys in the countryside. One says: “Look, there’s a flock of cows.” His friend responds: “Herd of cows.” The first guy replies. “Of course I’ve heard of cows. There’s a flock of them over there.”
Paddy's World 
Thanks again for making me laugh today.
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