I seriously hope that my lawyer friends don’t take offence and these jokes and more importantly, don’t sue me.

In the great tradition of politicians I would like to apologise to lawyers IF these jokes cause offence.

1. Little Mick came home from school one day quite perplexed. “Dad, the teacher was telling us about morals and ethics today and I still don’t understand the difference. What is it?”
   “Well son, you know that I am a solicitor so let me explain with an example. Let’s say that old Mrs Murphy comes to me and asks me to write out a new will for her. Now she is old and can make the odd mistake. Say instead of a cheque for €100 she makes it out for a €1000.
   “Morals, son is, do I tell Mrs Murphy.
   “Ethics is, do I tell my partner?!”

• Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

• A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator”.

• As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
• A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got £25 between us.”

The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had £100 when we broke in!”

• A man asks his Solicitor: ‘If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?’

The solicitor replies: ‘Absolutely! What’s the second question?

• Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

• Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman Pinscher.

• The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
• It was so cold one February day in Dublin that I saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets.
• And finally. Laboratories in California have stopped using rats in their experiments and are now using lawyers instead.

They explained that they are doing do for two reasons. Firstly, people don’t care what happens to laywers.

And secondly, there are certain things even rats won’t do.

(May I just add that if you’re a lawyer and thinking of suing me over these gags, I have a very good lawyer…)