All right. It’s another weird day.
We can’t go to the pub.
We’re semi-locked down.
All we hear is bad news.
I can’t stand up in front of you anywhere to tell you these.
So just stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself…
- A Dachshund walks into a post office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
- “My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named.
- My granny was beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
- As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
- More cutbacks. They’re merging Operation transformation and Operation Freeflow. This Christmas they’re only going to stop fat people parking in Dublin.
- People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
- Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.
- Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was eighty. Now she’s 97 and we’ve no idea where she is.
- Two guys in the countryside. One says: “Look, there’s a flock of cows.” His friend responds: “Herd of cows.” The first guy replies. “Of course I’ve heard of cows. There’s a flock of them over there.”
- Police are hunting for a dangerous individual who has been going around stabbing people with a knitting needle. They think he’s following some kind of pattern.
- I once met the guy who invented crosswords. Can’t remember his name. It was P something t something something n.
- Guy dies and goes to hell. He’s surprised to find that it’s a beautiful place. The sun is shining and people are out walking and picning and swimming in a pristine stream. The devil greets him. “I didn’t expect hell to be like this,” he says. The devil smiles. “No we get a bad press up above. But it’s always like this. And what’s more, we’ll answer any question you have. Who shot JFK. Did they really walk on the Moon. Is Trump as stupid as he looks. “One question,” says the new arrival. “It’s all lovely here but is that a volcano I can see with smoke billowing out of it?” “You don’t want to know,” the devil said. “You promised. Any question.” “Oh, all right,” says the devil. And they walk for an hour and climb up the volcano to the crater. They look in. And there are people burning in the lava, their skin hanging off, they’re screaming in agony. “That’s awful,” the new arrival says. “That is barbarous, hideous. It’s just, just dreadful.” “I agree,” says the devil. “I didn’t want it at all. But the Catholics insisted on it.”
- I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?
- A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
- I swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.
- I told her one time that she’d painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- I accidentally handed her the superglue instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
- Two cows in a field. First cow asks the second cow; Are you worried about Mad Cow disease? The second cow replies: Why would I worry. I’m a helicopter.
- A priest a vicar and a rabbit walked into a bar. The barman asks the rabbit what they want to drink. “I don’t know,” says the rabbit. “I’m only here because of auto-correct.”