I am really glad that I’m not as grumpy as I used to be

Weeds, They’re out of control in Dublin

You may notice that, at the top of this blog somewhere, it says I’m not so grumpy any more.

Well, I’m not. Only a few things annoy me.

Like, for example, those eejits who take an age to move when the lights turn green. The other day I was stopped at the lights in Rathgar and when they turned green the guy in front of me took almost a whole second to move off. No wonder I was fuming.

Then there’s the eejits who either won’t go on to the yellow box even though they’re turning right and that’s what they’re for, or go on to the box and basically park there.

I also hate the guys (and it’s nearly always guys) who think that when a light turns red, three more cars can go through.

I’m all for cycling. When I was able, I cycled. But I never thought that gave me the right to do exactly as I pleased – swerve all over the place, break lights, cycle on the footpath, abuse people and so on. They really get on my nerves.

As for those damned scooters. No tax, no licence, no insurance, no identification. And no bloody manners either.

And what about those bikes you see these days? You know the ones. Bikes with motors which, for some reason, aren’t motorbikes.

It doesn’t get much better when I’m home. I remember when TV was fun. Top of the Pops, Ready, Steady, Go. Jackpot. Tolka Row. The Riordans. Now? Reality television. People having operations. Fat people slimming. Untidy people cleaning their houses. People looking for sex. People showing off their private parts (there’s a clue in the word “private’ there by the way). Policemen and women doing their jobs. People watching television for God’s sake.

And then there’s quiz shows. Endless bloody quiz shows. Where do they get the audiences for these things? I mean who wants to sit in a studio for hours on end watching five episodes of the Chase or Pointless or Eggheads being recorded? 

Even the news gets on my wick these days. Why do some television reporters behave as if they’re trying to win an Oscar? They can’t tell us the story without pulling faces and waving their hands all around the place and strolling towards the camera. JUST TELL THE STORY!

And then there are the news programme hosts who don’t ask questions anymore. They make statements and then add: “Isn’t it?” or “Doesn’t it?” or “Aren’t they?” or “Do you agree?” or, worse of all “Right?”

Queues annoy me. I don’t join queues. The sight of a queue is enough to put me off whatever I thought it was I wanted. I certainly don’t queue for food. But if I do queue and someone tries to jump it, I DO get angry. Very angry..

What is it that makes some people whose legs should be covered permanently, think they look good in shorts? There should be a law against it.

And there should be another law against people wearing shorts in winter.

I know how difficult it is to get the exact amount of petrol you want at the pumps. Invariable, if you’re trying for €20 you end up with €20.01 or €20.02. If you’re paying cash they let you off, but you get billed the whole amount if you’re paying with a car. Not fair.

I know I’m not the only one falling out of love with the Internet. God, the reception is so dire sometimes it’s worse than the ‘phone line to America was in the sixties.

Then there’s all the shite on social media. Some people are only short of telling you when they go to the jacks.

And here’s another thing. What is it with people who change websites for no good reason? You know. There’s a website you use regularly and all of a sudden it’s redesigned and all the good things that used to be there are gone or almost impossible to access.

And I’ve one off buying stuff online. You order one shirt and you get billed for three or you order someone and it doesn’t arrive for four months. Of course, the worst part of all is making Jeff Bezos even richer.

I don’t like referees. Never did. Never will. I don’t know why anyone ever became a referee. They can’t get it right. Not necessarily because they’re stupid though most of them are. (The fact that they became referees is proof.) It’s just impossible to get it right.

I hate self-service checkouts. And if I hear it once more, the next “unexpected item in the bagging area” will be a sledge hammer hitting it at full power. 

And I hate packaging. Why is everything wrapped and double wrapped and sometimes treble wrapped? It suits the supermarket, that’s why. It helps with stocktaking

Mind you I also hate the people who maul apples and peaches and stuff and then put them back.

We’re kind of hooked on weather forecasts in Ireland, aren’t we? And the Met Office is pretty good at what they do. Only… I hate when they say things like “There will be rain in places.” What bloody places. “There will be showers locally.” What the hell does that men. “There will be occasional earthquakes.” Ok, They never said that.. But they might.

Then there’s the traffic reports which, barring the occasional shunt, largely consist of: “It’s busy going INTO town,” in the morning and “It’s busy going OUT of town,” in the evening.

I think I’d put litter louts in the stocks. I once challenged a lady, who turned out to be very posh, when she threw the wrapping off an ice cream she had just given her child, onto the ground on O’Connell Street. “I think you dropped that,” I said. “Oh fock off,” she replied teaching her child how to curse and litter all in one day.

You know those resealable packets. One or two of them work. The remainder are either not resealable or almost unopenable. 

I’ve gone right off soccer. Seems to me that if one player looks at the guy with the ball, he dives and rolls around as if he’s been shot before getting up and playing on.

Sadly, this nonsense is making its way into rugby. Now you get rugby players, almost always the scrum half, looking at the referee and pleading for a penalty. 

Mind you, the same scrum halves are responsible for “box kicks” the single most stupid tactic ever introduced to rugby. “What will we do after this scrum lads?” “Eh, let’s win it, and then give the ball to them.”

I don’t mind games being analysed. A bit. But it’s gone WAY over the top. Analysts before hand, analysts while play continues, analysts at half time, analysts for hours afterwards. Too much.

And then there are the statistics. Lads, we know you don’t know this stuff off by heart that it’s all popping up on a screen in front of you. “He’s the first blond full back from Cumbria whose father was a butcher to score in the tenth minute of an FA Cup game for 77 years.” Oh do shut up.

I’m back to motoring. You know the few three lane motorways we have? Why is the middle lane always full? What is the Irish obsession with driving in the middle lane. Personally, I’d litter it with tacks.

Why are our streets covered in weeds this year. It’s hideous.

I can’t pass Wood Quay without getting angry. It could have been the most exciting Viking site in the world. But our city council decided to bulldoze it to put up, frankly, hideous offices. Mind you. Even if they’d put up something half decent, it would have been an outrage.

Simple solution to people who let their dogs poo on the street and don’t pick it up. Allow wardens to pick it up and the, without bagging it, stuff it into the offenders’ pockets.

Similarly, with chewing gum. Gum wardens should patrol the city and if someone is spotted dropping gum on the ground, it is picked up and stuck into the offenders’ hair.

People who park in bays reserved for the disabled should have their cars taken off them. Permanently.

People who park in parent with children bays should be made babysit for a family who couldn’t get a space.

Delivery vans which are parked on double yellow lines should have their cargo confiscated.

Speed bumps seem like a good idea. But why are some like running over a balloon and others are like hitting a concrete block.

Speed limits are daft. Some country roads have a limit of 100 kph when they’re nothing more than lanes.

I seeth every month when I see Lefties stuffing thousands of our money into their arse pockets in so called “allowances and expenses.” Who sets these allowances and expenses? TDs. You may ask why I find it more annoying when Lefties take this look. It’s because they’re the ones always going on about hard pressed tax payers but have no problem taking their money.

There’s nothing about the Shinners that doesn’t annoy me. The richest political party in Ireland not noted for its donations to the Vincent de Paul. Condemning any misbehaviour by others while celebrating murderers and bombers. Stomach churning.

Back to the radio. Why do so many people begin their answers with “so?” It’s getting on my wick. As is the number of interviewees who start their answers with “People need to understand” as if we’re all thick.
And what’s with this inflection at the end of a sentence as if every statement is a question. Bugs me.

And do you know who really gets my goat? Atheist fundamentalists. They’re about as tolerant as the Spanish Inquisition

Tell me, do motorists who whizz past us in bus lanes think they’re being clever? They’re actually being thick. As well as L plates and N plates we should have E plates for Eejits.

And then there’s the Cycopaths who seem to think that once you’re on a bike you’re immune from criticism – or obeying the law.

What about the people who talk at gigs? You pay in to hear a band or a singer and these gobshites talk non stop.

And I hate barmen and shop staff who won’t make eye contact when you stand at the counter.

But not as much as I hate the guys who emerge from the cubicle in the pub jacks and go straight out the door without washing their hands.

Do you know what’s wrong with the NCT? The more people they fail for whatever reason, the more money they make. Can’t be right.

I’m going to set up a business as a cable sorter outer. Why does every device have a different connection. I have at least a million cables in a drawer and I’m afraid to throw any of them out just in case,,,

I get quite pissed off when I see a sign outside a shop saying “Up to 70% off” because we all know there’s 70% off the shite they couldn’t shift and nothing off the good stuff.

Same with the wine that’s half price in the supermarket. Yeh right. They jack up the price for a fortnight and then drop it down for a promotion. Download an app called Vivino, take a picture of the label and hey presto it will tell you the normal price.

Other than those few things, I’m not grumpy at all.

Well, maybe a little bit.

Though I will be VERY grumpy when it dawns on me what I’ve left out of that list….

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