“I would like to thank my wife and daughter, my brothers and sisters, my colleagues, neighbours, people working in the local shop, bus drivers, doctors, nurses and a guy I once met in a bar a few years ago…” A line from my Oscar speech

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I plan to out-Gwyneth Gwyneth

I always yawn when I hear it’s “Awards Season” in the movie industry.

I yawn for a number of reasons.

Firstly, the speeches. Someone really needs to stop them after say, oh, 15 seconds. They don’t really need to thank the Grip and the Assistant Location manager?

Which brings me to this business of forty people cramming onto the stage for some of the awards.

Not to mention the number of awards.

This is a list of movie award ceremonies held every year. Really. It is. They’re all real.

 

Academy Awards, USA

Golden Globes, USA

BAFTA Awards

Screen Actors Guild Awards

AACTA International Awards

AARP Movies for Grownups Awards

Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films, USA

Adana Film Festival

AFI Awards, USA

African-American Film Critics Association (AAFCA)

Alliance of Women Film Journalists

Amanda Awards, Norway

American Cinema Editors, USA

Art Directors Guild

Association of Motion Picture Sound (AMPS)

Association of Polish Filmmakers Critics Awards

Atlanta Film Critics Circle

Austin Film Critics Association

Awards Circuit Community Awards

Awards of the Japanese Academy

Belgian Film Press Union

Black Film Critics Circle Awards

Bodil Awards

Boston Online Film Critics Association

Boston Society of Film Critics Awards

British Independent Film Awards

British Screenwriters’ Awards

Broadcast Film Critics Association Awards

Camerimage

Capri, Hollywood

Casting Society of America, USA

Central Ohio Film Critics Association
Chicago Film Critics Association Awards

Chicago Independent Film Critics Circle Awards

Cinema Brazil Grand Prize

CinEuphoria Awards

Club Média Ciné

Costume Designers Guild Awards

César Awards, France

Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association Awards

Danish Film Awards (Robert)

David di Donatello Awards

Denver Film Critics Society

Denver International Film Festival

Detroit Film Critics Society Awards

Directors Guild of America, USA

Dublin Film Critics Circle Awards

Empire Awards, UK

Faro Island Film Festival

Film Independent Spirit Awards

Florida Film Critics Circle Awards

GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics

Georgia Film Critics Association (GAFCA)

Ghent International Film Festival

Globes de Cristal Awards, France

Gold Derby Awards

Gold Derby Awards

Golden Schmoes Awards

Golden Trailer Awards

Golden Trailer Awards

Gran Premio Internazionale del Doppiaggio

Hamburg Film Festival

Hawaii Film Critics Society

Hollywood Film Awards

Hollywood Makeup Artist and Hair Stylist Guild Awards
Houston Film Critics Society Awards

IGN Summer Movie Awards

Il Festival Nazionale del Doppiaggio Voci nell’Ombra

Indiana Film Journalists Association, US

Indiewire Critics’ Poll

International Online Cinema Awards (INOCA)

Iowa Film Critics Awards

Irish Film and Television Awards

La Roche-sur-Yon International Film Festival

Las Vegas Film Critics Society Awards

Leeds International Film Festival

Location Managers Guild International Awards (LMGI)

London Critics Circle Film Awards

Los Angeles Film Critics Association Awards

Los Angeles Online Film Critics Society Awards

Mainichi Film Concours

Motion Picture Sound Editors, USA

National Society of Film Critics Awards, USA

Nevada Film Critics Society

Nikkan Sports Film Awards

North Carolina Film Critics Association

North Texas Film Critics Association, US

Oklahoma Film Critics Circle Awards

Online Association of Female Film Critics

Online Film & Television Association

Online Film Critics Society Awards

Palm Springs International Film Festival

PGA Awards

Philadelphia Film Critics Circle Awards

Phoenix Critics Circle

Phoenix Film Critics Society Awards

Polish Film Awards

San Diego Film Critics Society Awards

San Francisco Film Critics Circle

San Sebastián International Film Festival

San Sebastián International Film Festival

Satellite Awards

Seattle Film Critics Awards

SESC Film Festival, Brazil

Society of Camera Operators

Southeastern Film Critics Association Awards

St. Louis Film Critics Association, US

Toronto Film Critics Association Awards

Toronto International Film Festival

Turia Awards

Utah Film Critics Association Awards

Vancouver Film Critics Circle

Venice Film Festival

Village Voice Film Poll

Washington DC Area Film Critics Association Awards

Women Film Critics Circle Awards

World Soundtrack Awards

Zurich Film Festival

 

And I haven’t even included the Razzis – the Golden Raspberries for the worst movies.

Nor have I included the ARMAs (The Absolutely Ridiculous Movie Awards) or the ITMAs (The It’s My Turn Awards).

 

And then there’s the BSAAACs – the Best Speech At An Award Ceremony.

And finally the BSNMBSWTTWBDs – the Best Speech Never Made By Someone Who Thought They’d Win But Didn’t of the F**K IT’s for short.

 

 

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