I’m having a bad day.
I’ve tried really, really hard.
But I haven’t been offended.
I know that’s hard to believe. But no one has said or done anything today which has offended me.
Oh how I wish I was like Professor Leslie Kern.
She discovered the other day that tall buildings offend her. I kid you not.
“From the physical to the metaphorical, the city is filled with reminders of masculine power, Kern said. And yet we rarely talk of the urban landscape as an active participant in gender inequality. A building, no matter how phallic, isn’t actually misogynist, is it? Surely a skyscraper isn’t responsible for sexual harassment, wage gap, or even the glass ceiling, whether it has a literal one up top or not?
“And yet even the height and shape of a building reflects “patterns of gender-based discrimination,” she says.
Or I could be Tatania McGrath, who, astonishingly, has half a million followers on Twitter (which is about half a million more than me).
What offends Tatania? Saying “good boy” or “good girl” to a dog. I swear.
“Stop saying “good boy” and “good girl” to your pets,” urges Tatiani. “This kind of gendered language is normalising the myth of canine sexual dimorphism, and delegitimises the lived experience of transdogs.”
Then there is the cancel culture sweeping through the world’s universities. By cancel culture, they mean banning people who views they find – you’ve guessed it – offensive. They may be perfectly legal views. They may be legitimate. But the liberals (I know, they haven’t looked in the dictionary to see what the word means) want to silence them.
And pull down statues.
Now, I’m all for moving statues (no, not the Ballinspittle kind!).
I mean moving statues which represent illegal and unacceptable views, like those of slave owners and I mean moving them to a museum where they can be displayed with an explanation as to why the statues were put up, and why they were taken down.
Before they closed due to the virus, some London theatre had banned the use of the phrase “ladies and gentlemen.” I presume they wanted to replace it with a greeting to all 58 (it could be more since I last checked) genders recognised by Facebook.
And Oxford University students have banned clapping in case it offends – to be honest, I can’t actually remember who it might offend – and want it replaced with “jazz hands”. That, by the way, is clapping in a way that your hands actually don’t meet and so don’t make any noise. I think a catchy way of describing that would be “not actually clapping at all.”
If you want to be offended, may I make a suggestion.
Just look at Donald Trump and Boris Johnson. And if that doesn’t do it for you, add in Jair Bolsonaro, Nicolas Maduro and Rodrigo Duterte who encourages “decent people” in the Philippines to murder drug dealers. Or people they think are/were drug dealers. Ah, they’ll say, sure the ones who weren’t drug dealers were probably up to no good anyway.
There you have five men who between them are trying to destroy our planet. And they aren’t alone. There are many others in Europe and around the world cheerfully doing the same thing. If none of them do it for you, just think about Prince Andrew!
So I’ll finish with a gag. I hope it doesn’t offend you.
A guy walked into a bar in New York and shouted for all to hear: “DONALD TRUMP IS AN ASSHOLE.”
A man who had been sitting at the back of the bar rushed forward and shouted: “I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!”
So the first guy said: “Are you a Trump supporter?”
The man responded “No, I’m an asshole!”