I have been a bit reluctant to offer advice on the Covid-19 virus.
I worry that, just because I have no medical qualification and, indeed, no qualification of any kind in anything, that I mightn’t be taken seriously.
But look, if Dr Trump and Professor Hockney can tell us how to stay safe, I think it’s only right that I should tell you what I know.
First of all, Dr Trump.
He told us yesterday that, on the recommendation of a complete fruitcake, he is now ingesting hydroxychloroquine on a daily basis.
You may think that among the side effects of taking that particular drug are bloating, turning orange, hair like straw and brain meltdown. But no, Dr Trump already suffered from these conditions.
Dr Trump is not alone in endorsing this drug which was developed to fight malaria.
That other medical genius Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil, he who wants to bulldoze the Amazon rain forest to make a car park or something, says it’s the cure.
I suspect they will next recommend rifampicin, clofazimine and dapsone which are normally used to cure leprosy.
But sure, if you don’t try etc…
Over in the Philippines, Roderigo Duterte, the man who is solving the problem of people dying from drug addiction by having them shot dead instead, has ordered his police to shoot dead carriers of Covid-19 and people spreading fake news. Let me stress, this is NOT fake news.
And so to Professor Hockney.
Professor Hockney, who I suspect is better at painting than he is at medical practice, is bulling because he sent a letter to the Guardian and they wouldn’t publish it.
The reason they wouldn’t publish it is because Professor Hockey was suggesting that smokers were less likely to catch Covid-19 than non-smokers.
If there is any basis for this claim – and it’s up there with hydroxychloroquine in that department – it is only because the virus can’t get through all the tar on the lungs of smokers.
And urging people to smoke in order to stay healthy is a little bit like telling them to dispose of unwanted bullets by playing Russian Roulette.
And so to my advice.
I KNOW this is true.
Professor Hockney says you are unlikely to catch Covid-19 if you smoke.
*Well, you WON’T catch it if you jump out of a plane flying at 30,000 feet without a parachute. I guarantee it.
And sure, if you do, you can always take some hydroxychloroquine.
Or have a swig of Jeyes Fluid.
Or inject some Dettol into your arm.
Or smoke 20 Major.
*I would like to stress that I am not suggesting that jumping from a plane at 30,000 feet without a parachute will make you immune from Covid-19, just that you won’t catch it on the way down.
I know, I know. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows that. So I hope everyone out there has that ounce of sense.
Apart from Dr Trump.