Are you missing Fair City? Well, I managed to get my hands on a script – so here’s an update.

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I bet you’re all wondering what’s going on in Carrigstown.

Fair City has been off the air for a few weeks now. And there’s no sign of it coming back soon.

But I’ve been given an insight into a few of the things that have been happening.

Well the first surprise is that Decco got fed up with all the hassle and brought a friend over from London to help him restore the reputation of the Bishops.

And, indeed, locals in Carrigstown seem to like Phil Mitchell at first.

But he soon made enemies not least Wayne.

Wayne leased Phil a car but when it broke down, Phil got angry and threatened Wayne who told Dolores who told Damien who told Inspector Yates who warned Phil who went back and threatened Wayne again.

(Just in case you think this mightn’t result in violence, it’s worth bearing in mind that, in its run on RTE since 1989, Kerri Ann Bishop, Paddy Bishop, Gina Cassidy. Lana Dowling, Lorcan Foley, Tess Halpin, Tony Kelly, Billy Meehan, Karen O’Neil, Ross O’Rourke, Gabriel Udenze, Annette Daly and Sarah O’Leary have either been murdered or have died in “suspicious circumstances.” Makes some of our criminal feuds look like petty skirmishes.)

Anyway it turns out that Bosco isn’t as nice as he seems and begins stealing money off Rose and when Eoghan finds out, he goes mental and demands, well, demands half.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Bela and Cass consummate their marriage. Well, after Normal People they had to go the extra mile to hold on to their ratings.

Hayley and Carol decide to take on Ger and set up their own money lending business working out of Bob’s café.

One of their first customers is Ian Beale who has run out of cash over there in Walford.

Of course, just as it’s all getting exciting the suburb is hit by Covid-19.

And so we see Sash and Charlotte and Decco and Denzo and Phil Mitchell and Tommy locked self-isolating with baby Olivia. All you can hear from the street is effing and blinding. And the occasional gunshot.

Paul leaves with his new girlfriend. She’s called Biddy from a place called Glenroe. Hang on. Why not? It’s a small country. Anyway, he’s bought a pub called the Rovers’ Return in a town called Weatherfield in England.

Will hooks up with Garda Deegan who reveals he is gay and Christiano gets jealous and stabs him (see murders above). But it’s a cliff hanger so we don’t know if he’s dead or not.

Finally, Phoebe and Mairead win the Lottery and tell the whole lot of them to get stuffed and head off to live in Marbella.

I’ll keep you posted.

 

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