EXCLUSIVE!!! Leo to allow pubs to open – but only if you can prove you’re gummin’ for a pint.

BREAKING NEWS.

In a surprise move today, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has announced an easing of Covid-19 restrictions – but only for some groups.

Speaking at a hastily organised press conference where he was photographed with some adorable little puppies and three pensioners*, Mr Varadkar said that, from Monday, some groups would be permitted to gather in larger numbers that was heretofore permitted.

*(The pensioners and the puppies had nothing to do with Covid-19 they just made it a nice picture.)

“We are trying to be fair,” he said. “And so, initially, we will allow gatherings of people who think the whole thing is a big f**kin’ hoax. They have been very vocal and it’s only fair that they be given the first chance to congregate and catch the disease.

“Included in that group will be admirers of Donald Trump and our various home grown lunatics. You know who you are even if some gardai don’t.

“We realise that they are not the only people under pressure. And so there will be limited opening of public houses – but only for those who can prove that they are actually ‘gummin’ for a pint.’

“In general the restrictions will be lifted for eejits and self-appointed experts who have been denied the opportunity to talk utter shite in pubs for the past few weeks.

“Families from South Dublin who have holiday homes in the west will be allowed to travel there but only if they have spent a small fortune having a Neptune kitchen, tennis court or swimming pool installed and want to show it off on Facebook and Instagram.

“We have decided NOT to permit the now traditional yummy mummy greeting of a kiss on both cheeks. On medical advice it has been agreed that a kiss on one cheek is, for the moment, perfectly adequate provided, of course, both kissers say “Mwa.”

“Journalists who have called for an easing of restrictions will be permitted to meet but only if they hug each other to demonstrate how safe it is to do so.

“Finally, there has been much lobbying to allow the re-opening of IKEA. However, there has been an equal if not greater amount of lobbying to keep the store closed on the basis that things are stressed enough in the lockdown without the additional strain of trying to follow the IKEA assembly instructions and so, in the interests of health and safety, I’m afraid IKEA and all DIY stores will remain closed until after Christmas.”

Reacting to the news, spokespersons for Labour, Sinn Féin and the Greens said what you’d expect them to say.