People are amazed at how clever I am. No really. They are.
They say things like – “I can’t believe you just said that” meaning they think I’m clever.
And I am. Very clever.
I know science. Wasn’t it Albert Epstein who figured out that complicated mathematical formula – 2 = 1+1?
I knew that.
And I know how to cure horrible, horrible illnesses like measles.
Just get on the tanning machine and stay there until the rest of your skin is the same colour as the spots. I don’t know why nobody figured that out until I came along.
Sometimes the old cures are best.
How do you cure shingles? Ring the bell. I mean, why did nobody listen to the old tune about Shingle bells. Where do they think that came from?
Leprosy is easy. Just lash on the foundation until you can’t see it anymore and if you can’t see it who cares?
If you want to cure internal bleeding, just swallow an Elastoplast. We have more Elastoplast in America than any other country in the world. I bet you didn’t know that.
Headache? Just make a little hole in your forehead with a screwdriver and push a couple of aspirin in. I mean, it has tremendous results.*
I know the cure for everything and that’s why I’m so fit and health and natural looking.
Arthritis? Golf is the cure. Yes it is. And we have some really good offers right now if you check out trumphotels.com
And I have a cure for erectile dysfunction – but I think I left her ‘phone number in the Oval Office.
I even worked out a cure for Alzheimers. Yes I did. I figured it out.
And I’ll tell all about it as soon as I remember what it is. I will.
Right now I just want you to know that America is safe in my really big hands. They’re the biggest hands in America.
Now I’ll take questions from people who aren’t from fake news companies…let me look around… mostly you’re all fake. Ah. Here’s a real guy.
Mike Pence, what’s your question…?
*(I stole that line from Colin Kerr.)