Here are a dozen things I think you should know.
- My grandfather beat my grandmother to death. He never laid a hand on her. He just died first.
- If anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open
- People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves
- When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
- You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
- I saw a sign which said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird and say: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
- Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
- Where ever he is, I’m sure my grandfather is looking down on me. He’s not dead, he’s just very condescending.
- I don’t like the way my daughter blames other people when things go wrong. She gets that from her mother.
- I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?’
- Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only thirty more sleeps till Christmas.
- The ‘phone rang. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’
And a voice said ‘You are.'”