Are you keeping up with EastEnders?
A couple of weeks ago I told you about how miserable the whole of Walford – that’s the fictional London suburb in which the soap opera is based – was.
Compared to right now, it was a happy place.
So what’s going on?
Well, many of the residents are on a boat on the Thames. This night-time cruise was the prize the Vic (that’s the local pub) won for being Pub of the Year.
As it happens, its proprietors are stuck in a room on a lower deck on the boat which is sinking.
Oh. I forgot to mention that. There are dozens of Walford locals on this boat. And it’s sinking.
So Linda, who is as ever drunk, is trapped by her foot as the water rises and hubby Mick looks confused.
Leo isn’t there of course. Tiff stabbed him to death a little earlier and Sonia is alone in the house with the body.
The cops called to warn her that they were aware of dangerous tablets doing the rounds and told her if she knew anyone who had bought them, to warn them that taking them could be fatal.
Of course Sonia’s daughter Becks had to be the one who took them. She’s currently being sick on the boat. The boat that’s sinking.
Meanwhile Ian has locked Dennis into a room below deck having discovered that it was he who was bullying Bobby. (You might remember that some years ago Bobby killed his sister. Yes, it’s a laugh a minute this show.)
He tried to rescue him but dropped the keys of the room in a water and now looks like letting the lad drown. And he might drown himself. God is good.
We’re not finished yet.
Heavily pregnant Sharon has gone into labour (not Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour, but labour as in giving birth). Only there’s no doctor or midwife to be found, just Kathy. And she’s bleeding heavily. Sharon, not Kathy. Oh, and Leo though his bleeding has probably stopped because he’s dead.
Ben and Phil are both angry and armed so God knows* what they’re up to.
*(Sorry. God has asked me to point out that these plots are so ridiculous that he actually doesn’t know what they’re up to.)
Callum is still Keanu’s prisoner and may very well be another corpse if Ben doesn’t come up with £100,000.
And Daniel’s not in great nick with the cancer – something his partner Jean also has.
You really should watch.
Because there’s not a chance that your life is as miserable as life in Walford.*
That is unless you’re the person who bought the Walford on Dublin’s Shrewsbury Road for €58 million a few years ago and which Dermot Desmond subsequently bought for €14.5 million.
I’d say you’re pretty miserable too.