EXCLUSIVE: The new radio schedule for the General Election.

EXCLUSIVE!

I have been given a sneak preview of the new, election radio schedule for – I can’t say which station. You’ll have to guess.

This is it:

7.00-9.00 am People making promises they have absolutely no intention of keeping. There’s a prize for the most outrageous promise. Something nobody believes like ending hospital waiting lists or solving the housing crisis.

9.00-10.00 A lot of people talking at the same time. These will be selected from the politicians who spend their time sleeping in tents in the RTE grounds in the hope of being invited on some programme. ANY programme.

10.00-11.00 I didn’t interrupt you. A game show to see which politician can go the longest without saying “I didn’t interrupt you.”

11.00-13.00 First let me say this. This is the programme which bans phrases such as “First let me say this” and “I think it’s important that” and “People need to understand” and other devices used to avoid answering questions.

13.00-15.00 Guess the panel – you can win a prize if you can guess who’s going to be on the panel for a discussion. It’s very easy. There are only about 30 in total to choose from.

15.00-17.00 The same programme that was on at seven this morning but with different theme music so people might not notice.

17.00-19.00 Things your party didn’t do when they were in government. Politicians from all sides try to see who can come up with the longest list of broken promises made by their opponents.

19.00-21.00 Arena – not the excellent arts programme presented by Sean Rocks. But a fight to the death between two candidates.

21.00-Midnight Love Island. A few candidates are put on a remote island. And, er, that’s it.