It’s about time I took action over all the injuries I’ve suffered (and if you laugh at me for doing so I’ll sue you too.)

Yuri Gagarin – he may be dead but I can sue his estate and the Russians

A lot of people are giving out about the damages being awarded by courts to people who are the victims of their own stupidity, sorry, of the carelessness of others

A lot of people doesn’t include the people picking up the money, the lawyers on both sides, the doctors who testify on behalf of the, eh, victims, and the judges.

But really, shouldn’t a glass jug have a warning on it advising people not to put boiling hot water in it?

Of course it should.

And hammers should have a sticker saying: DO NOT HIT YOURSELF OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS HAMMER.

People should be warned not to stick screwdrivers into their eyes and turf briquettes should carry a warning so that people will not, mistakenly, eat them.

I could go on and on – pubs should advise customers not to attempt to eat the glasses in which their drinks are served, shops should warn customers not to attempt to get out of the lifts while they’re moving and, of course, every kerb in the city should have a sign warning people not to trip over it.

Now, I know I’d be going back a while, but I have 1) a scar on the right side of my forehead where my brother accidentally (!) struck me with the backswing of his golf club in our garden when I was five 2) a scar on the left side of my forehead which I got when I tripped over a lazily stacked bicycle in our garage as I ran through it in the dark to try and catch a glimpse of the capsule carrying Russian astronaut Yuri Gagarin as it flew over Ireland 3) a scar on my head where the teeth of Tom Maloney sank in as embraced me in his enthusiastic celebrations after scoring a goal in an Under 10s soccer match in Willow Park 4) back pain from the injury sustained when I fell a few feet from a tree I was allowed to climb by my supervising scout master on a hike in Powerscourt and 5) scars on my right leg from the injury – multiple breaks in my leg which snapped as I fell on the ice in the then new Ice Rink in Dolphin’s Barn.

So 1) I reckon could get me €50,000. I’m not greedy 2) €150,000 – divided between whoever put the bike there and Yuri Gagarin and the Russian authorities 3) another €50,000 from Tom Moloney 4) €200,000 from the scouts and Powerscourt for that injury which later required keyhole surgery and 5) €250,000 from the proprietors of the ice rink, the McEvaddy’s as the injury tquired three weeks in hospital as a metal pin was inserted and another week when it was removed leaving a hideous scar.

I make that €700,000. Seems fair to me.

And, going on recent court decisions, I’d be pretty sure of winning.

(If any of those mentioned above wish to settle out of court, I’ll take half.)


And just for fun. Did you hear that laboratories in California have begun to use lawyers instead of rats for their experiments.

There are two reasons: One, people don’t care what happens to lawyers and Two, there are certain things even rats won’t do.

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