This is just a quick look at some of the RULES OF THE ROAD in Ireland for now and the coming decades.
Pedestrians should only cross the road wherever they like. Things like pedestrian lights and zebra crossings are only there for decoration. There is little point in using them as motorists and cyclists ignore them anyway.
If possible pedestrians should cross with road with their backs to traffic for at least part of the crossing.
And it’s important that, if possible, they stare at the screen of a smart ‘phone AND have volume on full while wearing earphones as they cross.
Cyclists are, as we know, saving the planet. It is the ambition of all parents that their children will grow up to be cycling, vegan gender neutral atheists who take part in triathalons every weekend.
Cyclists do not have to obey the rules of the road.
Of course, they must take care not to bump into pedestrians. But motorists are a different matter. They are the enemy. It is important that all cyclists, no matter how young, learn to flip bird at motorists at every available opportunity.
Cyclists are permitted to cycle on main roads with both hands holding their smart ‘phones and, like pedestrians, with volume up full while they catch up on their favourite Netflix show.
Motorists do not have to stay out of cycling lanes just because that’s the law. Indeed parking on a cycle lane often, but not always, means it is not necessary to park on the footpath.
In fact, motorists can park wherever they like. And do.
When it comes to traffic lights, green means go. Orange means nothing. And when the light turns red it means only three more cars can go through. Or maybe four. This also applies at pedestrian and cycle lights.
Bus Lanes are for clever motorists who have figured out how to beat the traffic jams. They all have to think they’re the only clever people on the road.
Speed limits mean nothing. In fact, if you have Northern Ireland plates, you can do whatever speed you like on the M1.
Yellow boxes are only on the road to make it look pretty. They have no function.
Double yellow lines use twice as much paint as single yellow lines and that’s all.
When on a three lane motorway, only use the middle lane.
If you go into the overtaking lane, please slow down so everyone behind you drives slowly.
Finally, you can use your ‘phone to Facetime a friend on the far side of the world if you’re bored on a long journey.
If you’re a smoker, please remember to throw the butts out the window.
And remember, flipping the bird is for cyclists. DON’T ever use is to indicate your annoyance at another driver for, say, stopping at a red light.
NEVER let anyone out into traffic. It’s all their own fault for being on a side road. And don’t EVER let anyone onto a motorway from an on ramp.
Always use two fingers on such occasions when another motorist – I think this is the correct expression – gets on your wick.
OK. They aren’t the rules of the road. I’d say most people copped straight away. But I’d say some didn’t.
Why did I say they were?
Because there are some people, thousands of people, out there who clearly think they are.