Do you know what starts too early at this time every year? People whinging about Christmas starting too early.
It’s like they’ve got binoculars out looking for the first hint of a bauble and off they go.
And then they complain about the Toy Show being boring something 1.7 million people don’t appear to believe.
Then it’s the few who want all hint of religion removed from ******mas.
Why don’t we have an annual festival for them? Deep, dark February would be ideal.
And we’ll call it Whingemas.
Anyway, I make no apology for loving this time of year. I love being with my family and always did. I love the lights and the carols and the cards and the decorations. And I love the way charities like the Vincent dePaul get a boost.
I used to hope I’d see snowflakes at Christmas, but now even that word scares me. What will Christmas be like when the 21st century snowflakes are finished with it?
How long our traditional Christmas will last is anyone’s guess.
The words below I first wrote four years ago when someone complained that the Christmas classic “Baby it’s Cold Outside” was “inappropriate.”
Gradually, thanks to “political correctness” it’s all coming true…
I have this terrible fear about Christmas in coming years. Will they sing Jingle Bells? I don’t think do.
For a start, I don’t think the Health and Safety people, let alone the Road Safety Authority, would permit the use of ‘one horse open sleighs’.
And I am absolutely certain the IFA would not permit people to go o’er the fields in them.
And they’d have to take a look at Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Once they started the laughing and calling him names, someone would step in and, hopefully, put an end to it. Bullying can’t be tolerated, we will be told.
You know the chap that Good King Wenceslas saw gathering winter fuel? Well, in the future, he’d report him to the guards and the poor chap would be in custody charged with nicking briquettes.
There might very well be a lot of tra-la-la-la-la-ing as we all went off to Deck the Halls, but I can see someone from the PC brigade rearing up when we get to the second verse.
“Don we now our gay apparel.”
“Excuse me?” they will say. “Should that not be “don we now our gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and straight apparel?”
Partridges in Pear Trees? Someone will call Joe Duffy to inform him that partridges tend to rummage on the ground. They’re not great at getting up trees.
And, anyway, what with the Brown Thomas Christmas Shop opening in mid-August, they would have to change the name to The 130 Days of Christmas.
We Three Kings of Orient are… being held by immigration thanks to Donald Trump.
The Merry Gentlemen would be told to sober up.
The Ding Dong (as in ‘a right old’) would not be Merrily on High, but would be in Temple Bar as the pubs closed and the people would be merry AND high.
And if Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town he will probably be arrested and charged with being a peeping Tom – “he sees you when you’re sleeping” indeed.
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas has generally worn out its welcome by September.
The Health and Safety Authority would advise against chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
And we would of course have Daddy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath the Mistletoe.
White Christmas? Multiracial Christmas of course.
We Wish You A Merry Christmas could quite easily result in charges of harassment. “Now bring us some figgy pudding” followed by “we won’t go until we get some” can only be described as a shakedown.”
And as for John and Yoko’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over) … it’s only just beginning!!!
You have been warned…