- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, probably didn’t get the joke.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Nothing is foolproof to a determined fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
- The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Politics is the art of the possible but if it’s not possible the other crowd is to blame.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- A bird in the hand is probably a seagull after your chips.
- The person holding up the supermarket queue looking for the exact change, never has it.
- In half the world, a red sky at night probably means a bush fire.
- “Your call is important to us” means the opposite.
- If it’s not broken you probably only just bought it.
- God helps those who help themselves, not including shoplifters.
- The early bird gets the artificial grass.
- (Finally one from Spike Milligan) People who live in glass houses, should pull down the blinds before removing their trousers.
(The above are done in the manner of a wedding; Old, new and borrowed. I omitted blue.)
