The Budget: My expert analysis of the expert analysis

I have spent a busy afternoon listening to coverage of the budget and analysing it on your behalf.

After reading thousands of words and listening to hours of discussion, this is pretty much how things are:

Paschal Donohoe’s budget has been welcomed by people who think it’s pretty good over all and condemned out of hand by people who don’t like it.

“It’s outrageous,” said someone claiming to be amongst those hit hardest by the measures announced today. “We have been hit hardest by the measures announced today,” he said. 

But the budget was welcomed by people who aren’t going to be hit at all. “Overall,” their spokesman said, “we think it’s a very fair budget because we’re not going to be hit at all.”

Several groups which had been calling for various measures in the budget gave their reactions. They ranged from happy to not one bit happy.

The happiest groups appeared to be those who got what they wanted and the unhappiest were those who didn’t.

“This is going to hit the people I represent very hard indeed,” said a TD from a part of the country where people say they will be hit very hard indeed.

“It won’t do enough to stop climate change,” said a climate change protester.

Pensioners complained that Budget 2020 didn’t include a rise for them. “It doesn’t include a rise for us,” one pensioner said.

“The government hasn’t put aside enough for tourism, business, the arts, chicken farming and yoga instruction,” said spokespersons for tourism, business, the arts, chicken farming and yoga instructing.

Fianna Fáil and the Independent Alliance both said the good bits were down to them and Fine Gael had insisted on the bad bits.

There was general agreement though, that the €1.2 billion set aside for a No Deal Brexit was a good idea.

“We hope it is spent on large signs along the coast – like the ones they had during the Second World War,” a spokesman for large signs along the coast said.

“Only this time, instead of just saying ‘EIRE’ they should include ‘F*** OFF BORIS.’”

Unusually, there was unanimous support for this proposal though some complained extra funds should be made available to add “And take Arlene and Rees Mogg with you” to the signs.

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