I’m not imagining it – they’re definitely out to get me

The supermarket: they were there, trying to make my life hard.

It’s a conspiracy. It has to be. There is no other explanation.

I was in the supermarket today. I offered to do the shopping because, quite frankly, I’m very good at it.

I can go into a shop for a carton of milk and a sliced pan and leave having spent only €40 or €50 on stuff we don’t need. Nice to have it, though.

Anyway, it was busy. And I could see lots of people happily filling their trolleys and sailing through the checkout.

Lots of people not including me.

You see, from the moment the woman in front of me struggled, (or pretended to) with releasing her trolley, I was in trouble.

Oh, she apologised. But it still took her two or three minutes to separate her trolley from the others.

Then a family of four stood at the fruit counter pondering what to buy. They blocked the entire counter for four or five minutes. And as they left, a woman hit me in the arse with her trolley. I turned around to give he a stare and by the time I’d turned back, two more people had moved in to block me from the fruit.

So I went to get the spuds. But there was a man and woman, two abreast, pushing a trolley in what was clearly the wrong direction forcing me to go around the potato counter and  approach it from the other side which would have worked had it not been for the woman whose trolley was parked sideways across the aisle I was walking on.

The pesto shelves were next on the list. They were almost completely empty and did not have the particular flavour I had been instructed to buy.

Six more times my progress was impeded by people blocking the aisles with their trolleys.

in the condiment and spice area a woman was bent over looking for something in particular on a low shelf. But the angle at which she was bent ensured that her backside prevented any forward movement on my part.

It went on and on.

Of course I made the mistake of going to the checkout with the shortest queue. Always a bad idea because a) the woman suddenly remembered she’d forgotten something and went off to get it b) wanted to put two things back after they’d been scanned c) offered to pay with the exact change but didn’t have it d) didn’t start packing until she’d paid and e) left her trolley in such a position that I couldn’t really start unpacking.

I escaped eventually.

I went to pay the €3 for parking.

I only had a €20.

It gave me eight €2 and one €1 in change.

And I dropped the ticket trying to put it into the machine on the way out because the one I normally use was closed and I couldn’t get close enough to the other one.

You probably think I’m paranoid.

Well, maybe I am.

But as the old saying goes: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”

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