BORIS AND THE QUEEN: WHAT THEY REALLY SAID

(OK. The truth is, I made this up. But it’s so bizarre over there, it could well be true)

DOWNING STREET, WEDNESDAY.

THE ‘PHONE RINGS AND BORIS ANSWERS.

BORIS: Hello, Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, how can you help me?

QUEEN ELIZABETH: It’s Elizabeth here and…

BORIS: (Whispering) Oh. Elizabeth. Sorry I had to run out like that, but it really was a long time ago and it was really nice thank you but…

QUEEN ELIZABETH: It’s QUEEN Elizabeth Mr Johnson. I’m calling from Buckingham Palace.

BORIS: Oh. Sorry 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          QUEEN ELIZABETH: We are pleased to agree to your request.

BORIS: We. Is there someone with you?

QUEEN ELIZABETH: I’m using the royal we.

BORIS: Oh. Sorry. You can call me when you’re finished.

QUEEN ELIZABETH: (Sighs) Just listen Mr Johnson. I’m agreeing to your proroguing parliament because I never liked it.

BORIS: Pro what?

QUEEN ELIZABETH: Proroguing. You asked me to do it.

BORIS: I just read out what Dominic told me to say. I’ve no idea what it is. But I can’t believe you don’t like Parliament. It’s a wheeze.

QUEEN ELIZABETH: We’d be better off if it was left to Royalty. Parliament was Cromwell’s idea.

BORIS: Cromwell? We could do with him now. He’d put manners on the Irish.

QUEEN ELIZABETH: That’s true I suppose. Anyway we have spoken with you for long enough. Our subjects await us. You’re doing a fine job. And you’re not like that Farage man who called my dear mother an overweight chain smoking drinker.

BORIS: Indeed. I never thought her overweight. 

‘PHONE GOES DEAD

BORIS PUNCHES IN A NUMBER.

BORIS: Hi. Dominic. Her Maj is up for that prowhatever it is you wanted me to ask for. I think she likes me. 

BACK IN THE PALACE THE QUEEN TELLS FOOTMAN TO DIAL A NUMBER.

QUEEN ELIZABETH: Hello, is that the Tower? Do you have any spare cells? 

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